I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't deserve a penis
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
