i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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