he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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