I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am one with the molecules
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
