just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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