What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
