our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
