I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
