mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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