theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
