Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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