im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
