Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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