I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize