i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
