Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize