just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
