Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
