I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
