I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
