Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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