I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
