doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
