I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
