it was like his penis was on wheels.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
