im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
