You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
