i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
