my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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