call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
