i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
