I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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