You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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