i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am naked and annoyed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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