He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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