i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
