We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
