my phone needs a breathalizer
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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