I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
