I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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