At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My life is pants optional.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
