I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
