My Higher Power is John Stamos
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
