On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
