Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
