if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
