Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
