I need to stop coming to work sober
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
