Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize