Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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