i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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