you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize