I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
