I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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