You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
