put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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