fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize