I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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