sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
