What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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