I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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